August 11, 2005
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I have had some experiences lately that have started me thinking about friendship. When I first started blogging, I used to write a lot about friendship because about that time I was going through the very painful end of what I thought at the time was a friendship. To tell the truth, I still miss that relationship, but I no longer believe it was really a friendship. In some ways, that ending was a very good thing for me, even though it was very painful. I had let that relationship become a focus in my life and I was neglecting my real friends because that single relationship was so time-consuming. That was not a good thing. Fortunately, my friends were still there for me when it was over. I think I was very lucky, because friendships don’t always survive neglect.
Some of my recent Xanga experiences have brought me back to reflecting about friends and the part they play in all our lives. I have seen the outpouring of concern for Terry Cuthbert during his illness and the mourning of his passing. He certainly touched many lives in many ways. I have witnessed many comings and goings in the time I have been blogging. My SIR list has changed over that time. Some of the Xangans I have enjoyed have died. Some are still here, but we no longer comment on each other’s sites. That is OK. Times and interests change and people move on. That is life. I have “met” many lovely people who reach out to others all over the world and have enjoyed sharing a part of their lives.
I have seen Xangans suffering because of problems with relationships in their lives. Those we love can be a great joy, but they can also inflict great pain. That is not necessarily intentional, but it happens and surviving it can be difficult. Xangans often reach out to each other for support at those times. Sometimes I wonder at that. Other times I think it is good that Xanga is here for them. I don’t often turn to Xanga when I need consolation because I have people in my life to console me. I suspect that that is not true for some Xangans.
I don’t think of myself as a person with a lot of friends, but I think maybe that is a misperception. I have read many times that if you have 3 to 5 real friends, you are very fortunate. I have to count myself as very fortunate then, because I have more than that. They get me through the tough times in life and I am very grateful for that.
I think the folks that many people refer to as “friends” are actually acquaintances with whom they share common interests or perhaps with whom they work. In observing those relationships, it does not seem to me that many of them are actually very close or very personal. I have those relationships also. Those people are fun to be around, but I have found that they often are not there when they are needed. In fact, I think that’s how you know who’s a real friend and who’s just an acquaintance. Friends stick around when it’s not necessarily easy or comfortable to do that.
I think we need all kinds of relationships in our lives. We need superficial, fun relationships, and we need friends who will cry with us when we are sad but can still laugh with us over the absurdities of life. We need sympathetic ears and people who will tell us to get off our butts and take action. We can find the people we need in all kinds of places. Xanga is one of those places.
Comments (22)
Very nicely said! Thank you.
Hi Nance , I enjoyed reading this . I often wonder if I sound whiney on my Xanga some days . I just write whatever is on my mind , and with agoraphobia, well , I can tell you , I am not as fortunate as you . I have no friends, other than my daughters friends , who are young. Thats fine , they can make good conversation , but as for a woman my age , no , not any more. I had a nieghbor I was / am close with but she left last week and came by a few days ago telling me she is thinking of moving to Mississippi. I am happy I found Xanga, I have met alot of wonderful people on this website. You write a good story of Xanga, and yes, Terry was a newer xanga friend and i was sad when he passed on .
AS for that poem , no clue where it came from , just my imigination working overtime. I have too much time on my hands I think.
Take care and thanks for coming by.
Peace and Love:)
I’ve definitely been learning a lot of lessons about what makes a true friend. I’m still kind of struggling through the fact that sometimes interests change and circumstances are such that you drift away from former close friends… I’m not sure if I’ll ever be okay with that! But I have to agree with strawberry14, very nicely said.
RYC: Tell me he did not pass gas next to you. Oh my gosh! I will cease complaining about Mr. Barefeet now, you win! : )
Amen
Very well said Nance . Its strange that if you have been on Xanga (I have been here for nearly 4 years time has passed very quickly as I cannot believe that I have been there for that long
) for a while how you have “known ” people for so long and perhaps know more about them than acquaintances who meet them in the flesh .
As usual , Nancy , Your analysis , today about the friendship and the Xanga -friendship is vey interesting . We cannot say better .
I noticed your profil picture . You are both well and I enjoy to see you . I like to see the person who I speak at .
Love
Michel
Well said. Some are needier than others…
With the advent of chat rooms and blogs, the concept of “virtual” friends has emerged. We know people from their writing or from their voice speaking out of computer speakers. We don’t really know them. It is easy to pretend, to act, to be someone else here. We must remember to be careful what we write. Anyone and everyone can read our blogs unless we make them private.
How do you know who that Xanga “friend” really is? I tend to be pretty naive and take people for what they say on Xanga, but that may be dangerous. I write a lot about my life so I really hope there are no stalkers reading what I write. I don’t write a lot about my inner feelings because my students read my Xanga, and, frankly, I my inner feelings are shared with the friends I know personally. I liked your post today, and I would be comfortable putting you on a private Xanga list, if I should ever need to.
Very well said, Nancy. I agree with you completely.
I too have been struggling with figuring out what a “true friend” is - I’ve done it for years. Even though I’m still searching for it, I will let time do that. Which is also kind of the way I’ve discovered friends on Xanga. Perhaps being here almost 4 years did that – and personally, I love my Xanga friends as much as my real ones.
Once again, a lovely entry. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Beautiful entry–so very well written! I have a few friends where I live, but have found most of my friends right here on Xanga. They are very real to me-a bond has been formed. We share our hearts and souls with each another. No mistaking the love passed around amongst ourselves. Obviously though, there is no perfect world–people drop out and disappear, as in ‘real’ life. I am very thankful that Xanga is here, for so many of us! This is just as real to me. Love to you.
i couldnt agree more. we need all kinds of relationships.. i think just like intimate relationships, friendships are the same. they may not end up the way we want them to. but they leave an imprint in our lives, and for that, we will never be the same.
I am often reminded of the saying, “You can pick your friends, but you are stuck with your relatives.” I am blessed with good friends and also blessed to be chosen as a friend by people I admire very much. I have some friends I share inner feelings with and others I feel hesitant in being up front with them for they are easily hurt. Myself, I like a friend who will tell me if I am out of line or tells me when I need to take some action in my life that I have neglected. Those are the friends I cherish!
RYC: Does this close-talking celebrity you know happen to be Herman from Herman’s Hermits? : )
The thing about Xanga is, you don’t have to be real. People will take everything you say as true, even if it’s totally false. How would they know? They only have your word for it. There are people who cannot deal with the real world. They create a fantasy world where everything is great and everyone loves them. Real life gets messy. People are capable of doing really horrible things to others. But online, one can be anything at all–a world of their own design. I find it troubling when Xangans make comments like: “That is horrible! How could someone TREAT you like that?! Get rid of them! They are not your TRUE friends if they do that.” As if they know the true writer, and know all the facts in the case. Xangans only know what is fed to them. It’s only 5% real, IMHO.
great post! I’m amazed by how many incredible people I’ve met on Xanga.
So true Nance ! As far as Xanga goes, yup, interests change and some do not comment anymore on my page, I do not take it personally, that’s life. My subs list too has changed. Chele’s (Havanna goodtime) observation is something to think about with so many strange personalities posting on the net.
Like you I had that one friend for 20 years, but the relationship consumed so much time of which I did not have, and with on-going tensions with my mom, even less emotional energy to spare. We outgrew each other, she saw more of other people (as I did) who were more in sync with our changed ideas and attitudes.
I just had to tell you that I really enjoyed reading your entry (I found you through havana_goodtime). I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship lately, too, because I’ve had to do some re-evaluations recently…
But everyone I’ve met on xanga so far has been so nice!
Anyway, have a good weekend (what’s left of it)!
Hope you and your family had a great weekend.
Peace and Love:)
Guess what? I had never heard of Herman’s Hermits before you mentioned them. And now I seriously hear about them everywhere. Apparently they were at some sort of a car show thing in Nevada and someone wrote about in on their site. Weird. That’s all.
I have to agree, you never know for sure what you’re getting when you only see what a person wants to show you. I’ve always had trouble with friendships in real life too, most of my friends tend to drift away at one time or another. I’ve just started my blog, but I like to think that most of what I write is for my daughter to have later, and not as much for other people. I guess if you don’t take things too seriously, it can be alot of fun! Oh, and thanks for coming to my site!
You are so right. I have a lot of acquaintances online and off. I should feel strange because I don’t count people as friends and certainly not close friends for the most part any more.
Now I know why so many older folk seem to be lonely and or alone. I grew up without hearing the words “I love you” from parents and so am suspect when I hear it from folk I’ve never even met.
I care about people and don’t like to see any hurt, but I do a pretty good job of keeping my distance. Too many times have I been hurt I guess. I can even keep my distance from psp group people it seems. Submit your lesson, say thank you for compliments, but that is about the extent of it.
Yeah I know, I’ll have the smallest funeral in town.
Xanga friendships are so often illusory. Friends one day, flamers the next. And you are expected to support your ‘friends’ campaigns against other xangans whilst never daring to leave more than a ‘hugs…. you are sooo right’ type of comment in case you’re next. I came to Xanga to write for me so now I do just that, no comments, and I read where I like and sometimes people email me or chat on icq, but mostly not, so I am not suckered into the illusion of community but see Xanga as media, like newspapers or an opinion website. Much better.
But I do lack for friends.