November 30, 2005

• What Is Happiness? A Socrates Cafe Topic

  The topic choices for Socrates Cafe this week are ” What is enlightenment, and is it easier or more difficult to attain in modern times?” and “What is happiness?  Is it the result of circumstances or a state of being? What is the difference between happiness and love?” Both of them are interesting to me, but time constraints force me to choose only one, so it must be happiness.

  I did something that I usually do not do before I write these blogs, and that is that I visited a few of the other blogs on this topic. I try not to do that because I want my blog to be about my own thoughts and not influenced by the thoughts of others. It was interesting to read first this time, though, because I found myself in total agreement with at least one blog, in partial agreement with most of the others, and in partial disagreement with some.

  If you have read my other Socrates Cafe blogs, some of this one will seem very familiar to you, because I believe that all feelings are caused within the person, so any discussion I would have about the origin of any feeling would include this concept. I am a great believer in the theories of Albert Ellis regarding the origins of feelings. He says that we cause our own feelings by the meanings that we assign to the events of our lives. He further believes that unpleasant feelings are the result of irrational thought patterns. I suspect that Dr. Phil is also a fan of Albert Ellis.

  Ellis’s theories speak very powerfully to me. They explain why people who have almost nothing can be very happy and why people who seem to have everything can be desperately unhappy. To me, this is evidence that happiness is caused by the decisions that we make or the meanings that we assign. I am not saying that those decisions are conscious, although I think that they can be. Most of the time, though, our minds leap from observation of the events going on outside of us to the meaning that we assign to those events within ourselves so quickly that we perceive the events as causing the feelings, when in fact they do not.

  So, if strolling through gently falling snow at dusk makes me happy, which it does, that is because of some meaning that I attach to it, not because of the snow, the low light levels, or the cold which accompanies them. If I think hard enough, I might be able to figure out why that makes me happy. It might be because of something I read long ago in a favorite book, it might be because of a beautiful scene from a movie, it might be because of another experience I had. The fact is, though, that walking in that snow would not have the same effect on everyone. Some people might find it annoying because they might think that it would make the drive home even more difficult and frustrating than usual. Some people are afraid of walking outside in poorly lighted areas because they believe that that provides an opportunity for crime. Some might fear slipping and falling. Some don’t like cold and might wish that they were on a sunny beach instead of walking in the snow. Most definitely, the situation I describe would not evoke happiness in all people.

  People who are happy most of the time have developed ways of looking at life that facilitate that feeling. They focus on what they have, not what they would like to have but do not. They look at the good in people and the things they enjoy about them, instead of looking at the bad choices those people make or the irritating qualities that they have (that’s a very judgmental remark, but I can’t come up with a better way to phrase the thought). If life is rough, they believe that it will get better. If a cherished relationship ends, they believe that they can form a new relationship. In short, they practice optimism most of the time. Association with those people is very pleasant.

  If happiness is not externally caused, neither is unhappiness. People and events cannot make me unhappy. I do that myself by the meanings that I assign and by allowing myself to dwell on those meanings. Some of the blogs that I read identified depression as the antithesis of happiness. I do not believe that that is the case. True clinical depression is not a synonym for unhappiness. It is a physical condition caused by alteration of chemistry in the brain. I am basically a very happy person. I also have a tendency towards depression. When I am depressed, I want to lie in bed and sleep all day. I do not want to be with people. I do not feel good about myself. I do not enjoy life. I am not sad and I am not unhappy. It may sound strange, but I can actually feel happy when I am depressed. They are different sensations. The happiness I experience when I am depressed is not the same as the happiness I experience the rest of the time. It is a much duller feeling, not the true joy that I usually associate with the concept of happiness. Perhaps it’s really the memory of being happy and the belief that I will be happy again. Nevertheless, it’s a feeling that can be there..

  I am fortunate, because when I am depressed, there are things that I can do to help myself feel better. I can take a shower and get dressed even though it seems like very hard work to do that. I can go outside for a walk. I can listen to music. I can talk to my husband or my friends. I can read a book. I can cuddle my cats. I can exercise. I can turn off the TV. I can clean my house. I can go to church. There are many things I can do to help myself. Most of them involve becoming more physically active. Sometimes, in fact often, it is very hard to do them, so I lie around for awhile first, but I can pull myself out of the depression if I can make myself put the effort into doing that. I think that the actions I take change my brain chemistry and help me feel better. (By the way, chocolate does not work for me.)

  Not everyone who is depressed is so fortunate. I honestly believe that some people require medical/psychological care and/or medication to correct the imbalance that causes depression. I think their very lives depend upon it. I think that it is important to realize that. Depression is no different than any other condition that is caused by an alteration in body chemistry. Diabetes can be offered as a parallel. Some diabetics can manage their disorder with diet and exercise. Some require medication. Either way, diabetics should never be made to feel responsible for being diabetic. It is a physical illness. So is depression.

  I have made my case for the origin of happiness and, in fact, for the origin of all feelings. In response to the question “What is the difference between happiness and love?”, love is similar to happiness in that it is an emotion and is therefore caused by the meaning we assign. Happiness is more internally directed, I think. Love is externally directed. Love is not the same as attraction. I think that it is quite possible to be attracted to someone who is not loved. To me, love is an appreciation of that other person. There are many kinds of love, but I think that they all involve that appreciation. Love is the ability to see the good in a person, not to focus on things that are seen as faults. It involves a certain degree of acceptance. To some extent, it reserves judgement. In the end, it is a feeling that is caused within ourselves by the meanings we assign to the person who is loved. It is another whole blog!

  • 11:20 am
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